The following are words that came when I tried hard to find a way to explain the fight someone with Borderline Personality Disorder faces on a daily basis. Perhaps it will help others understand the beast that lives within... eating away at our soul... at our very identity.
What is hidden beneath... The beast whispers every moment of every day. It whispers words of chaos. it whispers words of disorder. It whisper words to discourage. It whispers words to dishearten. It is a constant companion. It is a constant reminder. "no one is there for you. No one truly loves you. Look closely, look deep... What is done just for the sake of loving you? What is said to sooth your wounded heart. I am all that is true. I am all that is real. I am honest, I am you." The words, the words they burn. The words they tear. But in the end are they not true? Who touches you with love and tenderness? Who holds you safe when all the world seems to fall? Where are those that know only order hold you together, only peace of mind keeps me at bay?"
The beast laughs is slow delicious seductive laugh. It speaks words of truth. Deep down I know it is true. I am there for everyone. I am the steady rock which people cling too. But what about me? When I ask to have order in my life, in my home. When all is endangered where are they? They see the beast surface and run. They leave me alone so it can devour yet another piece of my mind, of my heart, of my soul. Why do I continue? Why do I carry on? Is it for the need of being needed? For if I am not a servent to those around me it creeps closer and closer. Trying so hard so slyly to inch into my peace, ito my waking moments so that it can take me. It wants nothing more than to destroy me. It wanrs nothing more than to make me like it. It wants to bring death to me and all I love.. To all that I am so it can have me. It seeks to rip the very light from my soul. It reminds me that no one is there, it reminds me that no one cares... "where are they now? At your point of breaking where are they? Do they call to just to say hi? Do they call without need? Where are they with the understanding you so need? The understanding you so need? They are gone. They hide from what you really are... A mask that hides the beast within. Becuase THEY know! They SEE you for what you really are. For all your power, for all your strength younare nothing. You are my puppet, you are my shell. You allow me to exist hidden rom view. Pray you pathetic prayers, light your silly flames, they can not save you rom what you already are. You are balanced chaos, controlled destruction that can find no tender love. Look at your long pathetic life... It has been pain, it has been suffreing, it has been people only taking but never giving the simplist thing you crave... The one thing that silences my words... Tenderness.... Love... Understanding... Warmth... Softness. Every lover has been the same. They see the darkness and refuse to touch you. They see me in your eyes, in the shadow you cast upon the ground. They fear what you are so they stay. Those that can leave... Your own mother drove off as you screamed for her love. So carry on little solider. Carry on and be the one who suffers because he deserves no love. I laugh watching you suffer so. It thrills and feeds me to have yu ache and long. Keep struggling and in the end you will break. You will cross that line again and you will be wholly mine. The mask will decay, the illustration will break and you will end. And all that will remain is me."
I feel so detached. I feel so changed. Only order saves me. Why is it so hard to remain? Why is it so hard to just give in? No one understands the beast that lives within. He naws at my heart, he naws at my soul. I'm just so tired. I just want to sleep in peace.