Thursday, March 20, 2014

A treatise on BPD

The following are words that came when I tried hard to find a way to explain the fight someone with Borderline Personality Disorder faces on a daily basis. Perhaps it will help others understand the beast that lives within... eating away at our soul... at our very identity. 

What is hidden beneath...   The beast whispers every moment of every day. It whispers words of chaos.  it whispers words of disorder. It whisper words to discourage. It whispers words to dishearten. It is a constant companion. It is a constant reminder. "no one is there for you. No one truly loves you. Look closely, look deep... What is done just for the sake of loving you? What is said to sooth your wounded heart. I am all that is true. I am all that is real. I am honest, I am you."   The words, the words they burn. The words they tear. But in the end are they not true? Who touches you with love and tenderness? Who holds you safe when all the world seems to fall? Where are those that know only order hold you together, only peace of mind keeps me at bay?"   

The beast laughs is slow delicious seductive laugh. It speaks words of truth. Deep down I know it is true. I am there for everyone. I am the steady rock which people cling too. But what about me? When I ask to have order in my life, in my home. When all is endangered where are they? They see the beast surface and run. They leave me alone so it can devour yet another piece of my mind, of my heart, of my soul. Why do I continue? Why do I carry on? Is it for the need of being needed? For if I am not a servent to those around me it creeps closer and closer. Trying so hard so slyly to inch into my peace, ito my waking moments so that it can take me. It wants nothing more than to destroy me. It wanrs nothing more than to make me like it. It wants to bring death to me and all I love.. To all that I am so it  can have me. It seeks to rip the very light from my soul. It reminds me that no one is there, it reminds me that no one cares... "where are they now? At your point of breaking where are they? Do they call to just to say hi? Do they call without need? Where are they with the understanding you so need? The understanding you so need? They are gone. They hide from what you really are... A mask that hides the beast within. Becuase THEY know! They SEE you for what you really are. For all your power, for all your strength younare nothing. You are my puppet, you are my shell. You allow me to exist hidden rom view. Pray you pathetic prayers, light your silly flames, they can not save you rom what you already are. You are balanced chaos, controlled destruction that can find no tender love. Look at your long pathetic life... It has been pain, it has been suffreing, it has been people only taking but never giving the simplist thing you crave... The one thing that silences my words... Tenderness.... Love... Understanding... Warmth... Softness. Every lover has been the same. They see the darkness and refuse to touch you. They see me in your eyes, in the shadow you cast upon the ground. They fear what you are so they stay. Those that can leave... Your own mother drove off as you screamed for her love. So carry on little solider. Carry on and be the one who suffers because he deserves no love. I laugh watching you suffer so. It thrills and feeds me to have yu ache and long. Keep struggling and in the end you will break. You will cross that line again and you will be wholly mine. The mask will decay, the illustration will break and you will end. And all that will remain is me."   

I feel so detached. I feel so changed. Only order saves me. Why is it so hard to remain? Why is it so hard to just give in?   No one understands the beast that lives within. He naws at my heart, he naws at my soul. I'm just so tired. I just want to sleep in peace.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Tour of a finished Global Model Studio

This is worth watching. This is a walk through of the Global Model studio that was build by Dan Richfield. To see the full process of his build check out his site: Global Model Earthship. This Global Model Earthship Studio is around 800 sq. ft. and as you can see is HUGE.

The One Bedrooms are around 1000 sq. ft. The Two Bedrooms are around 1200 sq. ft. And the Three Bedrooms are around 1500 sq. ft. (Visit for a bit more about the sizes)

A home like this would power, water, and feed you while passively protecting you from the weather and temperatures of the environment... all of this done from what nature provides us naturally!

To learn more about Michael Reynolds work and the Earthship company check out their site at:


Friday, February 14, 2014

Garbage Warrior - Documentary of the evolution of a revolution

For all those who want to learn more about Earthship homes and sustainable living watch this incredible documentary of the evolution of a revolution. The more I have researched living sustainable living the more Earthship homes seem the way to go. You can combine the technology of superadobe building with the technology of Earthships.

Imagine a home where nature provides everything you need, where your home is completely off grind, completely self-sustaining. Earthships gather water from rain and snow for use. They gather solar for heating, cooking, lighting, and modern conveniences. They provide you with fresh fruits, vegetables, and even fish. They recycle the water used in everyday tasks for drinking, washing, waste removal, and even hydration of plants. All the while you have not power, water or sewage builds. All the while you have a carbon NEGATIVE footprint because you are removing more than you are putting out! It is a way of life we should all strive towards and can do it NOW, with modern technology and still have the comforts we all desire. 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Leaving the land 'better for us having been here'

          There is a part of ADF Druidry rites where we return the Waters of Life back to the Earth. This is the unused portion of the Blessings which are not consumed by the people. For me the following words have great meaning, it's why I use them in my rites:

Return the Waters of the Earth: We return the Water of Life so that the land will be better for us having been here. Hail great giving Earth! Keep safe always the sacrifice, keep it ever holy!

The most impact for me is when I say "... so that the land will be better for us having been here." As a Pagan and a Druid it is so very important for me to lessen my impact on the earth. The older I get the more I become aware of the damage we humans do and the ease at which we could so easily make the land 'better for us having been here.'

          I have always believed that it is our sacred trust as human, as Pagans, and as Druids to live in harmony with the earth. That we were to be aware of the environment around us so that we can move through this life with as little impact as possible. There are so many ways in which we can do this. I wanted to share just a few of my thoughts with you here.

          Beyond the idea of recycling everything we can such as plastic, glass, papers and metals there is something else we can do which improves the land. Modern technology allows us to have under the counter composters. These are garbage sized containers that seal and allow anaerobic actions to break down our food waste. This can be the remnants of food prepping, unused portions of food such as bones, coffer and tea grounds. All these can be broken down into a compost which can be used in house plants, gardens, and yards. They great a 'tea' which works as a natural fertilizer to feed plants and the environment. Even if you can not grow a plant to save your life, you CAN create this compost. You CAN pour the 'tea' outside for trees and bushes. You CAN give the compost to those you know who do grow plants. What would have been waste in your garbage now becomes productive useful food to help lessen our impact. It helps plant life grow and thrive to help clean the air that human society pollutes.

          I so often hear friends say that they have a black thumb so they can not grow anything. This just is not true. Anyone can have plants if they just take the time to learn what they need. Take peace plants for example. All they need is enough natural light to read by, heck they will even grow in a windowless office! Water them a little each week so that the soil does not get dry and you have a living thriving plant. This plant then cleans the air which you breath. The takes in the toxins we breath out, the pollution of our daily lives within our homes and work places, cleaning them. They return fresh clean air to us. The more you grow the more air you clean. The more you clean the air the more you are giving back to the earth making it 'better for having been here.' Instead of feeding them toxic plant foods, feed them the 'tea' from your under the counter composter. There are so many house plants that only need a minimal amount of light and water to grow. Find something you can grow. Find something that you like. Again you are making the land 'better for having been here.'

          Lessen the energy you use. Instead of buying traditional or compact florescent light bulbs (which btw are extremely toxic to the land as they contain mercury) switch to LED lights. Yes, they are a bit more costly but they last thousands of hours longer and use less energy by fractions of the amount. No they are not perfect. No they are not totally 100% environmentally friendly but they ARE far more friendly than what we currently use. Plus they require less energy to operate which means less of a carbon foot print you create.

          These are just a few of the ways daily we can leave the land better for us having been here. Just do them. We are a part of the ecosystem not apart from it. What we do not only effects nature but ourselves. When we take the time to live more mindful of the land and ourselves we create a world where all things can begin to live in harmony with one another.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Indo-European Mythology part 3: An explanation of how each of the following elements of ADF ritual may or may not resonate with elements of two Indo-European cultures

I chose to work with the Norse and the Hellenic because I have very little knowledge of the Norse compared to the knowledge I have of Hellenic culture and beliefs. I feel the point of this section is to learn and expand our knowledge while being able to compare and apply it with what we already know.

Earth Mother

                The Earth Mother is a figure that can be seen in nearly all Indo-European cultures. However most of these images are of a raw primitive earth goddess. Very seldom are they seen as very cultivated refined deities.

                In the Norse culture, specifically in the Scandinavian tradition, “…Jord is the personification of the primitive, unpopulated, and uncultivated Earth.” (Lindemans Jord). She is said to be one of the many wives of Odin and the mother of Thor.

                The Hellenic mythologies have a much more defined mythos surrounding Gaia. She gives birth to the Titians and all manner of creatures of the Heavens, the earth, and the underworlds; both sea and under the ground alike. Gaia though is viewed as a rival of the gods. It is also from her body which humankind was formed.

 Deities of Land

                 From what I have gathered from Norse mythology there was not a great deal of separation when it came to Land, Sea, and Sky. It is almost as if all of Midgard was seen as one whole world with no major divisions. However, there is the possibility of a case being argued that Freya was the goddess of land. She is the “… patron goddess of crops and birth… spring and flowers.” (Lindemans Freya)

                In the Hellenic culture, land deities were called Chthonic deities, also known as “Theoi Khthonioi”. “The word comes from the Greek chtonios, which means ‘of, in or under the earth’” (Lindemans Chthonic gods) They were the gods which lived on the earth, tending to the needs of all things upon and within the earth. A few examples would be Demeter, Pan, Persephone, Hades, etc.

 Deities of Sea

                From what I have learned from this course it is very had to find a real hard line drawn within Norse culture for specific deities of the Sea, or any realm over all. Though there are some deities as well as giants that are seen to have their domains in the sea. Aegir is one of the deities which had the defined role of being the god of the sea.  His wife was the sea goddess Ran, with whom he ruled the seas. They were the patron of sailors. (Lindemans Aegir)

                For Hellenic culture there was a large variety of deities which ruled over the seas. The ancient Greek term for these gods was “Theio Halioi.” There were the primordial deities such as Oceanus and Tethys, the main ruler of the seas Poseidon, and then less powerful deities such as the Old Men of the Sea (Nereus, Proteus, Glaucus, and Phorkys) and the Nymphs. There are many cases the Nymphs were seen as both deities and nature spirits.

 Deities of Sky

                A case can be made that the Norse had Thor and Odin as their sky deities. Thor would be seen as the thunder god, the god of stormy skies. Odin can be seen as the god of the sky since he is the ruler of the Aesir.

                There are just as many variations with the sky deities as there are in the Sea and Land for the Hellenics. They were seen as the gods of sky and weather, they were the “Theoi Ouranioi”. There were the gods of the wind, dawn, Atlas the sky bearer, Helius the sun, the Hesperides (sunsets), Iris, Nyx, Selene, and Zeus just to name a few. Each took a role in all the components which make up the Sky.


                Nearly all the Indo-European cultures had beings, either god or spirit, which they considered to be against the order of the universe. By the definition we use in ADF for Outsiders it usually is not too hard to see who would fall into this category pretty easily.

                The Norse had the Jotuns. The Jotuns are the “primeval frost-giants, the enemies of the gods” (Lindemans Jotuns) which have dominion over Jotunheim.  It can also be said that Hel could be included in the list of Outsiders for the Norse, as she will lead an army against the gods in Ragnarok.

                The list of “Outsiders” for the Hellenics could be rather lengthy. Many of the Titians which were thrown into Tartarus would be seen as Outsiders. Nyx and her children can be seen as being a part of the Outsiders as well since many of them are disruptive to the order of the cosmos.

 Nature Spirits

                It is from the Norse view of the Nature Spirits that modern fantasy owes many of its most beloved races.  In Old Norse mythology they were called Vættir, or wights.  The Vættir were made up of elves, dwarfs, and gnomes.  There also seemed to be what Karl Mortensen terms as nature demons who were made up of river-spirits, mermen, and mermaids. (Mortensen 47)

                Within the Hellenic culture there were spirits called Daemones. This was the general name for the Nature Spirits. The following is a listing of some of the Daemones in Greek Mythology: (Atsma)

·         Daemones Argyrean – men of silver age immortalized as underground spirits responsible for earth’s fertility
·         Daemones Chrysean – men of golden age immortalized as earth-dwelling spirits to watch over mankind
·         Daemones Chthonian - spirits of the underworld
·         Daemones Georgici - the spirits of agriculture and faming
·         Daemones Halian – the spirits of the sea
·         Daemones Nomian – the spirits of the countryside, pastureland and wilds
·         Daemones Uranian – the spirits of the sky

So to say that the Hellenics had a place for the Nature Spirits is putting it lightly!


                Ancestor worship in Norse culture was as diverse as that of Nature Spirits in Hellenic culture.  Though there doesn’t seem to a fully developed structure of worship for the Ancestors but it can be clearly deduced that it was part of the culture. There is evidence that the dead were conjured to gain knowledge of things hidden, magic, and the future (Mortensen 41). There is also evidence of what is called erfiӧl, funeral feasts, which were offerings to those who had passed into the afterlife (Mortensen 42-43). It was a commonly held belief that the soul of the dead stayed near for as long as the body remained unburied. As for the forefathers of the people, they were seen as the protectors of the family and therefore offerings were made to them. This could very well be the starting point in the belief that the soul transmigrated into different forms of being; each serving a purpose to the living. Once such form was that of the endrbornir, which was when the soul of an ancestor living in the body of a new born child. There was also the fylgjur, which was the attendant of mankind from birth to the grave. The fylgjur was not only the attendant of the individual but also of the family and it would pass from one generation to the next. An argument can be made that even some of the Ancestor were seen to have been raised to the level of gods; Snorri gives Frey as an example of this saying he was an earthy prince that was raised to the status of a god after his death (Mortensen 42).

                Ancestral working in Hellenic culture was part of the lives of the people but in many ways it seems undefined as a structured practice outside of the rituals for the newly dead or part of the state religious ceremonies. Several sources write about the Greeks giving offerings to the dead, “… people brought libations and food offerings to the dead in their tombs…” (Nilsson 8), offerings of mixed fruits called pankarpia “… were also brought to the dead at the ancient Greek equivalent of All Soul’s Day, the Chytroi, on the third day of Anthesteria” (Nilsson 9). Nilsson goes on to explain the Chytroi occurred “… the third day, or, more correctly, the evening before…” He also goes on to explain that “Offerings of vegetables were brought to the dead, and libations of water were poured out to them” (Nilsson 34). Many of these offerings many have been given to the dead not just as a sign of honoring but because there were tomb cults at the time that believe the dead had the power to do harm to the living. To support his view in this Nilsson says “… leaden tablets with imprecations were deposited in tombs, a sure sign of the belief in the power of the dead to do harm” (Nilsson 115).

Works Cited

Atsma, Aaron. "Encyc_D." 2000. Theoi Project . 1 6 2013. <>.
Lindemans, Micha F. "Norse Mythology." March 1997. Encyclopedia Mythica. 16 April 2013. <>.
Mortensen, Karl. A Handbook of Norse Mythology. Neeland Media LLC, 1913.

Nilsson, Martin P. Greek Folk Religion. New York: Columbia University Press, 1940. paper back.